Does this sound familiar?
In short, you write well, but...
Why not?
Maybe it’s time to liven up your writing.
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Sometimes writers want their reader to know that their point of view character is unsure or undecided about something. In an attempt to avoid simply TELLING that to the reader, they try to SHOW it by stating the question directly to the reader—in effect, asking the reader a rhetorical question. Such as:
“What did you have for dinner?” Ellen asked. Sweat crawled down the back of John’s neck. Did she suspect him? Could she smell the liquor on his breath over his breath mints?
Unfortunately, this strategy solves the initial problem by creating a different one. The reader’s natural reaction when confronted with a question is to answer it. That takes the reader out of the story and gives the reader something else to think about. A strong enough question could even distract the reader to the point of not reading, at least for a while—something no writer wants. A weak question, by contrast, is simply that—weak. That’s even worse. A better strategy is to SHOW the reader the character’s ambivalence using declarative statements that reveal the character’s attitude—fear, indecision, confusion, etc. For example:
"What did you have for dinner?" Ellen asked. Sweat crawled down the back of John’s neck. Damn, she must suspect something. He turned away and cupped his hand over his mouth, forcing a cough. Sweet minty aromas invaded his nose. He couldn’t smell alcohol, but one can never detect one’s own.
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